The parrots hereabouts are flighty, these winter days, as a lobster at the sight of a restaurant. With that wedge-tailed eagle cruising silently, the parrots have due cause. Not a single king parrot here might say, "Alas, poor Yorick" at the sight of a clump of feathers or a flightless feathered wing, but they sure know the meaning of mortality.
So it is with heavy heart that I heard of a certain parrot by the name of L______ who lives unencumbered by the threat of raptors, only to be terrorised by one of his own kind. Or maybe that is a feint for a shyness without excuse: either a morbidity of the soul or an existentialism much too heavy for anyone who weighs less than a supermarket magazine.
I was delighted therefore, to receive in the mail, an offer from a fantastic new multimedia club called "Featherpress Editions".
This wise concern must have been reading my mind because the offer was addressed to L______, saying
"If you are not L______, and are reading this offer by accident, then avert your eyes. It is not for you. It is only for L______ (and all other parrots L______ invites in, to participate in this special offer):
Walk Proud, Talk Loud: 7 Days to ConfidenceThis book can be yours soon if you ACT NOW. Several parrots have been transformed by the tips in this indispensable guide, written by the author of such classics asSOFTIES AT HEART: THE SENSUALITIES OF BULLS
SIT: THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A CANINE NANNY
THE UPPER STOREY: HOW TO RENOVATE INSULATION
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS: A CORN SNAKE'S REMINISCENCES OF LIFE ON A FARM
5 Excerpts from 7 DAYS TO CONFIDENCE:
from Chapter 3: "Stopping bad habits"Shifty eye
Teach your human to look you in the eye, explaining patiently how eagles never do. The sooner your human realises that you are not a cat, the easier it will be for all. Tell them that you size up a personality by engaging eye-to-eye contact.
Silence is suspicious
Eagles sneak up. Humans shouldn't. They need to be taught to verbally and musically, communicate. If you can't teach them music, then at least, teach them to converse. They probably won't make any sense, but as long as they're chatting, they're not eating you.
Demand your privacy
Just because your humans don't value it, doesn't mean you shouldn't demand it. If you are housed near some obnoxious object, be it a human child or adult who doesn't worship you, or some insufferably pushy parrot, train your human to use its body as a curtain in your interactions with it. In doing so, you can eat your proffered banana or date or nuts in peace, or if there is music you wish to dance to, you can dance to your heart's content without worrying over some other parrot's cracks about your rhythm.Demand your intellectual freedomfrom Chapter 6: "Body Image"
Are you put upon by your human to be chummy at its remembrance and whim? Perhaps you are an introvert, and resent this forced social interaction. Assert yourself by making clear that you aren't shy. You are just thinking. You need the next guide in this series: Choose either SELF-ACTUALISATION FOR THE FEATHER-TONGUED or CRACKING NUTS MENTALMake yourself smallSo L______, what's it going to be? Be all you can be. ACT TODAY, and we'll throw in a free trial MP3: Ripping Wood Rhythms
You know they're the nastiest, so hunch while you open your beak. You might be the largest parrot in the world but if you act like a tiny handful, you'll soon gain respect. Think you can't hunch? Just think about that little snack who flew at you and plucked a beakful from your crown. That's motivation! Now concentrate: hunch, open wide, and you won't even have to screech. But if it helps your confidence, screech away--minding yourself to remember to screech when your humans are out of the environment. They are inclined to be flighty at certain sounds, which can damage your health.
Caution: Not to be used to cure adolescence,
which nothing can cure but age.
Anyway, if are not L______, but are another parrot who could benefit from this fantastic offer, ACT TODAY. It won't help against eagles, but it will help.