Exorcists and Excorcists and Warnings - what's the real stuff?

Possessed eggs

Personnel Today puts right the confusion as to whether the Pope is or isn't into ending that terrible shortage of exorcists which he was reported to want to fix last month, only to deny .

PT, the "Interactive business and professional magazine of 2006" with a banner ad by Monster of When you find the right person, it just fits, reported two days ago:

Pope sanctions first ever formal exorcism training course
… Regina Apostolorum provides 10-week courses for priests who want to learn how to conduct exorcisms. It includes sessions on rites, how to talk to the Devil, and how to recognise the tricks he uses ...

It's about time. For reading between the lines of Catholic Online could cause one's head to spin. Warning: it says. An Excorcism Prayer - To be said by a Priest only

No wonder. It's powerful stuff, to be used only as directed. Here's the prescription guidelines:

Its use is recommended whenever action of the devil is suspected, causing malice in men, violent temptations and even storms and various calamities.

Read the whole incantation here: An Excorcism Prayer: Warning: To be said by a Priest only

Some questions
What does the Warning mean?

That amateurs are as efficacious as FEMA?

That the Devil only listens to Priests?

And in the case of, say, storms and v.c.'s, what can we consumers expect from an excorcism (or an exorcism - as the whole thing is a ritual of symbols, there must be forces on high who are warring about the spelling as we read - and this mortal quakes at the result of choosing the wrong side).

An implied warranty for goods as well as services is a legal consumer's right under Australian state and federal laws, as when someone like an exorcist or a plumber does something, you expect that when he says it's done, it's done.

"The term 'warranty' is often used to describe certain 'promises' that a trader makes with every item or service that they sell." - Smart Shopping, South Australia Gov't consumer advice

Now, the Church might quibble with the term "sell", but there is an expectation that money will move when the prayer is said, or a soul, which is much more valuable.

Or does the Warning mean that, like what'll happen to us if we ignore warning labels on equipment, calamity will strike if a prayer isn't said by - not only a Priest, but as the small print says in the prescription: a priest, in the name of the Church and only with a Bishop's permission.

Is this Warning, in fact, an implied Threat? You get what you pay for, or you pay? The consequences of not knowing are possibly so dire that there is no time to dither in ignorance.

Consumers associations around the world are therefore remiss in not covering exorcists and excorcists as an industry; comparing the ones that are licensed by their guild and practice according to its rules, private operators, and opposing guilds (for there are many branches of the industry, with as many opposing factions as in any political party and amongst angels in the firmaments).

Say you're ready to call. Do you get what you pay - nay, pay and pray for?

How can you, as a consumer, choose?
And have you noticed that nowhere does the Prayer or the directions for its use, state the permanency of the treatment by the exterminator, or the length of the guarantee? Exterminators are expected to provide a very specific guarantee for a period of time nowadays, even in the USA.

Repossessed house

As Tracy McVeigh reported in The Observer last month, in Children are targets of Nigerian witch hunt, exorcists can be more expensive than shonky termite experts, and less reliable than FEMA.

... In the small delta state of Akwa Ibom, the tension and the poverty has delivered an opportunity for a new and terrible phenomenon that is leading to the abuse and the murder of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of children. And it is being done in the name of Christianity.

Behind the smartly painted doors pastors make a living by 'deliverances' - exorcisms - for people beset by witchcraft, something seen to cause anything from divorce, disease, accidents or job losses. With so many churches it's a competitive market, but by local standards a lucrative one.

But an exploitative situation has now grown into something much more sinister as preachers are turning their attentions to children - naming them as witches. In a maddened state of terror, parents and whole villages turn on the child. They are burnt, poisoned, slashed, chained to trees, buried alive or simply beaten and chased off into the bush.

Some parents scrape together sums needed to pay for a deliverance - sometimes as much as three or four months' salary for the average working man - although the pastor will explain that the witch might return and a second deliverance will be needed …

These exorcists are Anglican, and though they are most likely amongst those who have split from the devilish Anglican churches of the UK and USA, they hold exorcism in common, especially in the UK.

Read Deliver us from Evil - BBC

and read about the slackness of the Anglicans in Ireland in regards to this most serious pest problem.

Ireland's demon chaser questions TV exorcism - The Observer
Unlike the Roman Catholic Church, which has a dedicated team of trained exorcists, the Church of Ireland has no formal structure for preparing its clergy for the casting out of demons.

Finally, since this ramble started with a man named Ratzinger and a buighniduhgygheyy called ex(c)orcism, and led to Ireland of all places, what better way to end it than by strongly directing you to:

Rat, a 2000 flick I adore. The story is set in Ireland and stars Pete Postlethwaite, Imelda Staunton, Kerry Condon, and a rat. Of course there's an exorcism, but the laundering in the story might be more effective.

But
What if you can't afford the DVD and can't find the movie? What if you need help now? Who you gonna turn to if you're not even, h'm, properly saved? Demon-B-Gone!

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Warning!